Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize