Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
