theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My ATM looks so different sober.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
