The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
