1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
