I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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