I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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