Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My day in three words: secret purse cake
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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