If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
