Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
