i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
