i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
