absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
