Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
