Pass out mid-funnel last night.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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