Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
