My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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