were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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