I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
