I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
