just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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