Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
