I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
