yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
