I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Randomize
