i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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