you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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