over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
