my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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