just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
