I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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