Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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