remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize