Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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