Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
