Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
