Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
and you fell through a lawn chair
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
