my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
