It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
please don't ironically join a cult
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