God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
