i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize