so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
