I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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