why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
