Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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