a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
