Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
