Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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