Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
