My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
