Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We don't watch enough power rangers
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize