My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize