ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
