I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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