yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
