I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
