hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
