Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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