do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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